7 Life Lessons on How to Succeed in Your Second Marriage (with kids)

After being a single divorced mother for 10 years , I found myself married again in 2014 in a combined family with my 2 boys and a new husband.

Combining two families looks like a very complex mission but it is not an impossible challenge. Here are 7 Life lessons can help you achieve it :

1- Prepare your financial independence before getting into a second marriage.

Do not get married a second time for money or in order to become rich.

You should make sure you have financial stability or at least a job which allows you to support yourself without any help.

Having a good salary will make sure you will not argue on budget issues in your second marriage. Money is one of the most complex issues to manage between couples and it is important that you will be able to support your kids and yourself. Likewise, your new husband should be able to take care of his previous kids (if he has). If you have your own salary or income you will save yourself getting to unpleasant discussions with your new husband .

2- Make sure both you and your partner get to know the kids before the marriage (live together in the same house)

You should make sure that your Partner and you get to know each one’s kids before getting married. The only way to do it correctly is to live together in the same house before the marriage. Don’t ignore conflictual situations that will occur during that period and try to see if you manage to solve it peacefully. Getting to know the kids means simulating real-life situation for a few months. The fact that you fell in love again is wonderful, but you can not assume that your kids will automatically love your new Partner and accept him as you do. If you manage to safely pass those few months without major arguments between your Partner and the kids, it is a good sign to go on and get married.

3- Flexibility is the Keyword: Get ready to change your home and Furniture

Usually one person, at least, owns a house or an apartment if not both of you and it becomes a major issue to decide where to live. If you insist on keeping your house and furniture without being flexible at all just because “ it took you years to buy it” , you may find yourself later on debating on this issue just because you were not flexible to give up at first place.

A house is only a house, it is an investment, walls and bricks.

A happy relationship, on the other hand, is far more important in life and much harder to get.

A good compromise will be to agree on moving to a completely new apartment, on a rent basis, while renting your existing apartments/homes to someone else.

You will both get money to rent a completely new home. This usually can be the best option for remarried couples.

Rental is always easier and the same goes for furniture. Make sure you give up on some furniture you own, otherwise you will find your self with 2 from each and will need a very large storage place.

4- Your New Partner is not here to educate the kids

A very important aspect is to let your new Partner know that you did not marry him to educate your kids however this does not mean that his ideas on education are not relevant /helpful.

We tend to think that we know the best in kids’ education and do not like to get critics from others on our kids behaviour .

Once we get married for the second time, This new person will naturally has its own opinion on our kids’ attitude and some times it will not be pleasant to hear.

Remember to be gentle when discussing this issue with your husband and do it early in your relationships.

Your husabnd can give you advice you on your kids, but this needs to be agreed first between you two and not directly to the kids without your consent.

A new Partner must always understand the delicate situation in which he gets into. Once you agree that a change need to be done in your kid’s habits, your partner can speak to them with you on his side.

This type of interaction will work only after few months when the kids get to know your partner and trust him as a friend.

Both you and him need to remember that He is not there to be a Father!

5- Trust your new Partner!

Trust in a second marriage is not always easy to reach especially If you have had previous trust issues with other partners. The more you get older, the more you know it is not easy to trust poeple .

When we get married for a second time, we usually tend to think we will not follow the same mistakes as in our first marriage. But practically, in day to day life, we forget it, and can find ourselves in similar situation of conflicts as we had in the past relationships.

We already had at least one broken heart from our first marriage or past relationships and this is the whole point.

If you don’t trust your new partner, it is almost impossible to maintain a happy marriage.

Forget all your past partners who disappointed you, cheated on you, and concentrate on building something new. Don’t be jealous and make sure your Partner knows you trust him.

6- Learn from past marriage mistakes, especially the small things that lead to arguments.

Each time you feel angry on your new partner because of a small issue, make sure you don’t start a fight before you take a deep breath and think of it.

we all have situations that makes us upset such as when he leaves the toothpaste open after using it. You would love to shout at him : “why do you leave your toothpaste open each time ????? I am so angry when you do it!!!”

Work on yourself to simply ignore small non important habits your Partner has (remember you also have some which probably disturb him as well). If it bothers you , explain in a very calm friendly way that “ if its not too much for you, I would prefer if you could try and close the toothpaste each time you use it. I discovered that it is important for my general mood”

Another option is to simply do it yourself!

If something really disturbs you and it is not a big effort, just do it , and do not get into an argument for small stupid issues.

There will be enough serious reasons in your life to fight without the need to fight on small issues.

7- Don’t force vacations as a combined family if you feel it does not work

When we re-marry, we hope that our new combined family will function as a traditional family meaning for example going on vacations together. My experience taught me that you can try it while kids are young but once the kids reach the age of 12 and up, it will be harder to manage it.

If you feel it does not work to take your kids and your new husband together on a week vacation, just don’t do it and do not feel bad about it.

Better to save this money for split short vacations than to feels awkward.

As much as it is not simple to combine daily life in a second marriage, planning and enjoying vacations with a new Partner and kids can be even harder. In general, I suggest also to “traditional families” to split their vacations to smaller groups, rather than the whole family going together each year.Often these family vacations are a nightmare even if nobody wants to admit it

Plan a dedicated vacations :mother and kids, separately from your new husband and later on plan another one with your new husband.

All family members will be happy!

You will enjoy it as much as your kids who do not seek necessarily to spend 24H hours per day with someone who is not their father. If you feel you must do something as a family, plan a short weekend, this is a good compromise for combined families since it is much easier to enjoy it.